Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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