it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
