I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
We are two peas in an std pod
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
