Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Randomize
