I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize