I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
