I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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