I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize