Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
