I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
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