I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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