did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
