put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
