You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
