i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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