So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
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