All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize