A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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