Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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