I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
