Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
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