i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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