I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I believe in your delicious
I have already put on my inside pants.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
