I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
