He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize