Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
