you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
