so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I AM VODKA MAN
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
