Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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