**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
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