you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
