he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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