Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize