I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
