She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I just gift wrapped bread.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
