Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
