I molested 6 butterflies tonight
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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