She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
