I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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