im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
