I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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