Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
