I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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