literally had 100 drinks last night.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
