Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I woke up under a house in Key West
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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