What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
