I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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