my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
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