omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Pants are for mortals
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
