He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize