morning after pill = breakfast in bed
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
