I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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