I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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