were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize