I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
